Looking back
So I have successfully made it through chemotherapy, double mastectomy, and stage one of my reconstruction (each one of those stages I plan to walk through/blog about in the near future.). Now that I am through that though I feel as though I am just catching my breath. Somehow I managed to turn the marathon that is cancer treatment into not necessarily a sprint but maybe like a 5K. And I have definitely never been fond of running. I started this blog as a way to get the conversations out of my head and into something that I can reflect upon. After much debate (with myself) I have decided to share my blog in the hopes that maybe it will help someone else.
As I said, I have finally began to feel like I am catching my breath. I am back to my normal pre-cancer crazy of remodeling my house, teaching high school, working on my masters, coaching cheerleading, coaching science olympiad, and taking on just about whatever gets thrown at me. I get a lot of strange looks about all I am taking on considering all that I have been through in the past 10 months but the busy has always been what has helped me. It keeps me looking to the future and has been a welcome distraction from the glum and sickness that comes with fighting cancer.
I feel that I am now in this place that I can look back on everything and all that I have learned. I have seen the worst and the best of people through this time. I have been both pleasantly surprised by those closest to me and strangers and devastatingly let down by the people that I should have been able to count on the most. I have found a strength that I hope was always within me but that I never knew I had. I have been surrounded by fire and found beauty in the ashes.
Cancer cannot be defeated alone and my support system has been one of the best. I have amazing parents who have moved heaven and earth for me during this all. My coworkers, the school system. and even the Chinook community have been the absolute best, always checking on my well-being and always making sure that I felt their support and love. When I started teaching in Chinook three years I was broken from my last job, I was left feeling betrayed, bullied and questioning if I was even meant to be in teaching. I am blessed beyond measure to have been chosen to be a Sugarbeeter and to create a home here.
I have had moments where I feel broken. I have had family that after hearing my breast cancer was not BRCA stopped feigning concern. I had thought that the idea of me dying would be something to pull my family together, to bury issues and petty disagreements but instead there were those who saw it as a time to attack. I have had those who only were concerned about me so that they could be seen as the "caring family member who knew how I was". When talking about my reconstruction with my brother's fiancee I was asked "Am I excited for surgery? Haven't I always wanted a boob job?". I have been ignored weeks on end by my mother's sisters and after my first surgery they reached out to others because they were oh-so-concerned but I heard nothing from them. Sorry! Rant over.
I think that the biggest lessons cancer has taught me are the impermanence of life and to worry less. I wasted so much time concerned about things that don't matter and conversations that never happen. Having to face my own mortality, grieving for my own death, have made me realize how insignificant so many of issues were. Now I know what you are probably thinking, wow this girl can unload, and does this mean she is cancer free? Well the answer to that, as far as I'm concerned (and unofficially) is yes, yes I am. As of my double mastectomy, there were no cancerous cells found in any tissue or lymph nodes. I am still on Herceptin and will be until December 4th and then Tamoxifen (I think) after that for 2.5 years at least (I want my babies by then). The hardest parts are over and I am looking to the future.
As I said, I have finally began to feel like I am catching my breath. I am back to my normal pre-cancer crazy of remodeling my house, teaching high school, working on my masters, coaching cheerleading, coaching science olympiad, and taking on just about whatever gets thrown at me. I get a lot of strange looks about all I am taking on considering all that I have been through in the past 10 months but the busy has always been what has helped me. It keeps me looking to the future and has been a welcome distraction from the glum and sickness that comes with fighting cancer.
I feel that I am now in this place that I can look back on everything and all that I have learned. I have seen the worst and the best of people through this time. I have been both pleasantly surprised by those closest to me and strangers and devastatingly let down by the people that I should have been able to count on the most. I have found a strength that I hope was always within me but that I never knew I had. I have been surrounded by fire and found beauty in the ashes.
Cancer cannot be defeated alone and my support system has been one of the best. I have amazing parents who have moved heaven and earth for me during this all. My coworkers, the school system. and even the Chinook community have been the absolute best, always checking on my well-being and always making sure that I felt their support and love. When I started teaching in Chinook three years I was broken from my last job, I was left feeling betrayed, bullied and questioning if I was even meant to be in teaching. I am blessed beyond measure to have been chosen to be a Sugarbeeter and to create a home here.
I have had moments where I feel broken. I have had family that after hearing my breast cancer was not BRCA stopped feigning concern. I had thought that the idea of me dying would be something to pull my family together, to bury issues and petty disagreements but instead there were those who saw it as a time to attack. I have had those who only were concerned about me so that they could be seen as the "caring family member who knew how I was". When talking about my reconstruction with my brother's fiancee I was asked "Am I excited for surgery? Haven't I always wanted a boob job?". I have been ignored weeks on end by my mother's sisters and after my first surgery they reached out to others because they were oh-so-concerned but I heard nothing from them. Sorry! Rant over.
I think that the biggest lessons cancer has taught me are the impermanence of life and to worry less. I wasted so much time concerned about things that don't matter and conversations that never happen. Having to face my own mortality, grieving for my own death, have made me realize how insignificant so many of issues were. Now I know what you are probably thinking, wow this girl can unload, and does this mean she is cancer free? Well the answer to that, as far as I'm concerned (and unofficially) is yes, yes I am. As of my double mastectomy, there were no cancerous cells found in any tissue or lymph nodes. I am still on Herceptin and will be until December 4th and then Tamoxifen (I think) after that for 2.5 years at least (I want my babies by then). The hardest parts are over and I am looking to the future.
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